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Ray is, I believe, engaging in carnal relations with Ray. I have no proof, but I feel as though I could easily acquire said proof if I desired it. I don't. Part of me feels as if I should, as both Ray and Ray are dear friends to me. And yet, they are in Chicago and I see them so rarely. Far too rarely to have any right to inquire into their personal lives if they haven't felt the need to volunteer the information. God. I hope that they never do. And thoughts like that make me feel as if I should root out the whys of not wanting to know, and yet... I know why. I'm just terrified of facing it. Ray Kowalski spent six months in Canada... with me... as a friend and a partner. And then, he went home, to his job. Welsh requested him back at the 2-7 and he went. And I was left with regret. Because if Ray and Ray are something, then perhaps if I had made more effort, then Ray and I might have been something. And then there's the confusion over what it means that Ray Vecchio would... I never told him that I was attracted to women and to men. Perhaps I should have. I'd feared things that apparently I'd need not fear. I was foolish not to speak. To share. Because of my fears, I am left with doubts and regrets. And though I cannot prove it and would not wish to, I know that Ray is fucking Ray. Not me.
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